I have a situation I'm not sure how to deal with.............

[iluvmydh]

We also talked a little about our relationship. I don't think that I can, nor should, trust him right away that he's not going to drink ever again in his whole life. Which is what he says is going to happen. He says that after going to 3 AA meetings, that he's cured of his alcoholism. I told him he's full of crap. He, of course, disagreed. He thinks that I need to trust him again and come home. He says he misses having me at the house. I asked him if he missed me or what I do for him when I'm there, he said both. Then I told him that I'm not sure if I can ever love him the same again, he's a completely different person now that he's sober. He responded to me by saying that he would understand if I left him, it would tear his life apart, but he would understand because he f-ed up our lives.

I just want to give you a little bit of perspective and truth. FOLLOW YOUR GUT. He is not cured after 3 meetings and while he might have good intentions to never drink again, he will need more than just 3 AA meetings to make that happen. NO, you shouldn't trust him right now. Trust is built after you see evidence and see that evidence for much longer than 3 weeks. Other than him paying the $700 on his own, you haven't given me any other evidence that he is taking this seriously. 3 AA meetings in 3 weeks is not alot. In most areas you can find several AA meetings a week and if a person is very serious, they will do more than 1 meeting a week. In fact 90 meetings in 90 days is ideal (even though it's not always possible because of the location of the meetings).

And let me encourage you...you ARE getting through this. You CAN do this. Whatever your life looks like a year from now, just stay on the journey. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

[megan_anne81]

Do I file for legal separation or divorce at this point.......or do I wait?
Do I get on the list for low-income housing or Section 8 now or wait?
Do I apply for food stamps and healthcare assistance now, or wait?

I just don't know what to do.......

Any ideas would be taken to heart and considered at this point

I also say hold off on filing for separation or divorce, but I would suggest consulting with a lawyer soon just to get information. In May I accompanied a dear friend to the first meeting with a divorce attorney just as support. We went in there with a list of questions and information and the attorney was great at shedding some light on the divorce process, child support, etc. The consult was a couple hundred dollars, but was applied to the retainer fee when my friend decided to "hire" her just a few days ago. I'm not sure about the laws in your state, but where my friend lives the "start" date for a separation doesn't start when papers are filed, it starts when one spouse "leaves". So my friend hasn't actually filed papers and neither has her DH, but according to the laws in their state the marriage could be eligible for divorce 366 days after the couple started living apart. If they were to break the "separation streak" and share a marital home for one night the clock would start over.

I also agree that you should try to apply for assistance (housing, health, and food) or at least start the ball rolling. You might run into a problem without a legal separation because they might qualify you based on your "married" income. And I think in the separation agreement you could ask that your DD still be covered under DH's health plan.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this Sending big hugs to you and your DD.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Just a little reminder, as I'm dealing with an alcoholic in my life as well~ just because an alcoholic stops drinking doesn't mean they are sober! Many people are dry alcoholics. Also, there is an saying, "How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? His mouth is moving."
So as much as you WANT to believe him, I'm sorry but odds are that you can't!

Again, I think al-anon can help you. Go to meetings, get a sponsor. While these people aren't experts or specialists, they can support you and have been there/done just what you are doing.
Hugs.

[MomMeg]

Has he said anything about your DD? Are his parents supportive of you? I hate to be mean but with his parents having your child during this time I am concerned that could cause a problem for you later. Again, I don't want to be ugly or jump to conclusions and it is a blessing that they can help during a time like this. I just want to make sure that you don't have trouble getting your DD back from them!

Hugs to you!!

Megan

[SamsMama]

DH's parents are supportive of him becoming sober. I don't see getting DD back from them to be an issue. My mom and I will be going to get her on the 7th, in the middle of our annual road trip.

I have gotten on the list for housing assistance and have applied for food stamps as well.

He calls me every night, and if I don't answer the first time, he will call and/or text me every 5 minutes until I answer him. I am trying to not talk to him, but the one night I completely ignored him, he came to my parents' house to see if I was really here or not. I wasn't there that night, I had left the house for a few hours to go up to the mountains for a little relaxation and meditation time for myself, away from everything and everyone. He was livid! I wanted to apologize, but didn't. I told him he needs to trust me. I'm not going to go do anything I will regret later.

I think he finally realizes that I need my time and space away from him so that I can start to heal myself.

He wants us to go to couples counseling, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that or not. I am more than willing to go to the substance abuse counselor with him when I can, and I will go to the meetings with the lawyer and to court. More for my benefit and knowledge than his.

I don't think that I am ready to forgive him and go back home yet. He keeps asking when I'm going to come back home. He wants a date as to when I will be back forever, I won't give him that. He did tell me the other day that he has taken me for granted for a long time, over half of our marriage (will be married 8 years in September). And keeps asking me out on dates. I told him I am not ready to spend time with him yet. I need time to decide if I want to forgive him now, wait and see how things progress, or end it now. He was not happy to say the least. Oh well. I haven't been happy for a long time.

I'm not sure what else to update everyone on right now........I'll be back with any thing new.......

[iluvmydh]

I am sooooooooo proud of you!!!!! You are doing great! These are huge decisions that take time. I would encourage you to stick to your guns and only support substance abuse counseling at this time. Being a counselor, I can tell you that couples counseling does no good if a person isn't sober and actively working on staying sober. His first priority needs to be getting himself together and THEN you can work on the couple piece. Trying to go to couple's counseling right now is putting the cart before the horse. Only when he's actively pursuing sobriety will the two of you be able to work on the other issues. Stick to your guns! You are doing great!!!!

[Admin frugalmama]

SamsMama, I am SO SO SO proud of you! I really don't think you could be handling him any better than you are! Stand your ground just as iluvmydh said...he is trying to make this about the two of you when it is really about him. HE needs to do the work...YOU do not. Please know that we are here for you...I know this must be really hard for you. However, please know that I really think you are doing the right thing and I think you should be really proud of yourself...you are a very strong woman!

[CU82]

I am sooooooooo proud of you!!!!! You are doing great! These are huge decisions that take time. I would encourage you to stick to your guns and only support substance abuse counseling at this time. Being a counselor, I can tell you that couples counseling does no good if a person isn't sober and actively working on staying sober. His first priority needs to be getting himself together and THEN you can work on the couple piece. Trying to go to couple's counseling right now is putting the cart before the horse. Only when he's actively pursuing sobriety will the two of you be able to work on the other issues. Stick to your guns! You are doing great!!!!

This, this, and more of this!!! Each individual in the relationship has to be in a place where they are stable enough with their own issues (because we all have individual issues, face it) BEFORE they can begin to tackle the issues in the actual relationship. You have made strong decisions so far, even if it is only in telling him that you are not ready to make a decision. YOU control your life. His alcoholism has controlled you for a long time. It's your choice when to say that you want to return if you even do.

I can completely relate to the idea of "he's not happy but oh well, I've not been happy for a long time." BTDT. I have spent a long, long time feeling very guilty about the fact that I made my (almost)ex husband sad when I left him. I posted here about it a couple of times even. But ultimately, what you said is right. I'm sorry that you are not happy right now, but I haven't been happy here for a long time. It's time for me to be concerned with me for once and make myself happy. You DESERVE happiness. He does too, but not at the expense of your happiness.

[cruisnmoma]

you have to keep putting your self first. right now he is trying ot shift blame and focous from him to you. dont back down...dont make promoses either. at this time you dont know if you will go back even if he cleans up. it is ok to let him know that. he needs to fix HIMSELF before you can fix the 2 of you as a couple. you have the right to have the best life you can...it might have to be without him. you can love someone and know it is not the best person to be with.