Can I give UP? VENT LONG

[Kimmys0606]

OK, first, we have been raising sis' toddlers most of their little lives, but full time for the last 22 months. Mind you, our "baby" is 12. So it was start all over time. Sis is in and out infrequently, but is now court ordered to every other weekend. Things were pretty good until she came back and now OMG...I just want to scream all the time. Nephew is 4 1/2y/o and is now playing the "I want my MOMMY" card, even though he really doesn't have a clue who the heck that really is. And my niece (3y/o) is just being evil. They refuse to listen to anything, and I am losing my mind.
My DH is a firefighter and a paramedic, which means 24 hour or longer shifts for him, so I am on my own lots. I'm tired, frustrated, and was just informed, via email from my sis that she is not going to be paying her support AGAIN this week. Her bills come first. So there goes my budget for the month. Thank Goodness for the Game. At least I know we will eat. It takes almost an entire week to get the kids back on track after she has spent her measly 3 or 4 hours with them on Saturday, and then she is back to screw everything up. We finally have gotten some help from the courts, but with both the fathers in different counties, we are in another, and sis is in yet another.....big mess court wise. And the fathers are even bigger losers than sis is. The 4y/o does go to counseling, but I am now feeling like throwing in the towel. The only option besides living with us is in foster care, and that scares the heck out of me. Any one else in simliar situations? Guess I just needed to vent because I'm tired and can't even nap cuz waiting on the repair guy. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH Sorry so long.
KIM

[gin3]

I'm so sorry! Can you explain to your sis that she is upseting the kids when she visits and maybe she can talk about how great it is to stay with you, etc. I think it's great that your family has opened your home and hearts to these kiddos. She is not being appreciative and taking advantage of you. I doubt if they were in foster care she could just not pay her child support. Do they garnish the fathers wages? Can they garnish her wages? I have no idea how it all works. Do the fathers family have any relationships with them? Maybe a family memeber could take them for a day so you can have some quiet time and sleep. I'm glad that we have people like you and your family to step up to the plate for the kiddos.

[Admin shilton]

I really think this needs to be brought up to the counselor. I will tell you that I think it is normal though. Before my DH adopted my kids when they were still going back and forth to see thier bio dad, we had these issues. When DD was younger and around that age it was really bad. It was kinda the good cop bad cop thing because at our house there was discipline and bedtime and healthy meals. At bio dad's house it was always "party weekend" with fast food and ice cream and no bedtime. Also he had more money to spend spoiling them because he was not paying for the normal parent stuff like clothing and food and stuff. I would for sure inform the courts (and child services since I am assuming they are somehow involved with the case) that she is not paying her support. Her "bills" do not come before her children, he children are living, breathing things and should come first. Yes, she is your sister but she still needs to put those kids first. Does your support go thru anyone else or does she pay straight to you? Most states have an option where they can deduct it from the paycheck and then it comes to you she never gets it, you may want to consider that.

[Kimmys0606]

One of the fathers get garnish, the other refuses to get a job so they can garnish him. Yeah, she picks the great ones..lol. Kind of funny, right after I posted originally, the phone rang and it was the support worker. They are finally going to court order her supprt too. Just keep your fingers crossed that she doesn't quit her job out of spite. It has been a long haul, and soemtimes I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
As far as other family, Macci's (Niece) Grandpa and Step-grandma are great about taking the kids when they can, but health issues have abounded this past year, making it hard for them both physically and financially. They do send clothes and such for all the kids, even though they are only related to Macci. They count all the kids in this house as their grandkids. For which I am eternally grateful. And my family is all over an hour away and with gas being what it is, they can't help much right now. And this is a horrible time for my mil, as she is a CPA. Taxtime sucks around her house. Even fil tries to run away aften. LOL
So there may be a light out there soon. Just have to wait for it to show itself. You know government paperwork. Could take weeks. Oh well, I will be thankful when it happens. Thanks for the support.
KIM

[candied]

I am so sorry that you are having difficulty with your sister in regards to her children. I do need to say what a wonderful family you are to have taken in the 2 kids who needed a home so badly.

Hopefully with this call from the support worker, she will realize what is truly important and teach her kids well.

Candace

[JMac]

First of all, you are doing a truly great thing by bringing in your sisters kids and raising them. They will never be able to repay you for that, and even though they do not know any better now, they will later. They will understand the different between what is their 'biological' mother, and who is their true 'parent'.

I cannot even fathom where you are coming from, but I do have to deal with the '2 sides' issue. We have DS3 (soon to be 4) every other week. When he is with his mom, things are completely different, but we cannot control what she does, anymore than she can control what we do. She is not a bad parent by any means, we just parent differently, and we have to accept that. Are there things in which I wish could change, absolutely. But we take what we can get.

I really hope you can get everything worked out.

[alishalea]

You truly are doing something that is so hard. My mom took in my sister's child when she was 3. She is now 15 and even seeing her mom will mess her up for weeks. My mom finally just adopted her and does not allow her to see my sister. She just can't. She will wind up with failing grades and discipline reports from school over seeing her for 2 hours. The emotional aspect of what those kids are going through is huge. Sounds like they need you to be their mommy for now and no one else. This whole idea of she is my mom, but doesn't want me to live with her is incomprehensible to them.

Make sure you are getting some time for yourself. Sounds like you really need it. Hugs to you!

[My2Blessings]

Sending hugs you way. You are doing the right thing, but it sounds like it is the hard road. Just remember, those kids will thank you later in life. Hugs!

[arubagirl]

my foster daughter has never lived with her birth parents... but still acts crabby when she comes back from a visit and for a few days afterwards.. I think it is just the ups and downs of coming and going.

[Kimmys0606]

Thanks for all the support........I know that down the road, the kids will understand what dh and i ( and my kids) have done for them. Unfortunately, sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough. It doesn't happen often, but days like today wear a person down fast. And I am sooo sick of hearing "I wanna talk to my Mommy" it is hard not to yell, she is standing in front of you. I have to keep telling myslef that none of this is their fault and they just don't understand what is going on. they are so little. Heck, I am almost 42 (YIKES) and don't understand how a Mother could do this to her kids. The support worker is really great and she finally found a way to go around the court system (which kinda stinks here in MI for kids) and is hoping that the court order will be quick to go thru. Please keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer that it does and that sis doesn't quit her job when she finds out. That is the biggest fear at the moment. And we got permission from the courts to claim them on taxes so that will help too. My MIL is jumping cartwheels (she is the one that will be doing them and is very tired of worrying about our family). So now we just have to deal with the visit thing. Is it bad to pray for a snowstorm this Saturday so she won't make the hour drive? I know, I need counseling. LOL This whole thing is twisting my brain I think. Thank Goodness the kids are cute and I know they truly love me, we are just having a bad day. Thanks again!
KIM

[JMac]

I know it is hard. I feel so bad for my DH everytime DS says 'I want mommy'. At 3, they do not know what they want. I was a psych major, and read case after case where the mom could beat the child, however the child would still go running to the mom. It is a phase that will pass. A 3 year old does not realize they are 'hurting' dad or anyone else for that matter. We are lucky DS seems to have outgrown the 'phase' as he no longer throws a hissy fit (and I mean huge) when we pick him up, or hear him constantly say 'I want mommy' at home. I felt helpless when he would do this, I know it would hurt DH, and it hurt me to. I know we are great parents to him, but it is natural for him to want his mommy too.

[jericho]

Hey Kim, I'm afraid I'm in the trenches with you. My husband and I have become permanent legal guardians of our grandchildren ages 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 and have a teenage son at home. Mom is off at job corp trying to straighten her life out, get GED, and get a trade. She has managed to find another boyfriend. Father of kids calls when he feels like it and only sees kids when he wants which amounts to a few hours every 2-3 weeks. Kids so see Mom occasionally but I totally understand the exhaustion, worries, etc. Its a no win role, but we keep saying we don't want kids in foster care and what else can we do? We are 54 and 64 respectively, so no spring chickens here. I will definitely be thinking of you as I go through my never ending day and never ending laundry. :) I feel comforted that we are not the only ones out there in this situation, so thanks for posting your "vent".

[Admin Randy's Wife]

Wow, what wonderful women we have on these boards!!!! I am sorry that I do not have any advice but just wanted you to know that any of you in this situation are true heroes in my eyes!

[JMac]

Jericho - You are another angel in my eyes (as is kimmy). It takes a truly great and devoted person to take in someone else's children, raise and provide for them. The world is lucky to have people like you.

[Kimmys0606]

Jericho, I will also be thinking of you. Too bad we aren't closely located. We could trade off. I know since taking the kids, I have gotten very good at bartering with other parents. Thank Goodness for them. And I completely understand the never ending laundry. I swear it is multiplying more every day. LOL Know your family is now on our prayer list as well. And you can always PM me if you need to scream at someone. Always nice to do that to someone that understands and cares!
KIM

[Admin Irock]

You two are angels, prayers of strength and peace for you.

I cry reading these stories, not from sadness, but from being so proud of you and happy for those children.

Come here and vent all you want!:)

[Kimmys0606]

OK, a quick update........my sis has decided that she can't afford to come see her kids this weekend, so I get to deal with the kids not understanding why "mom" isn't here when they want her. UUUUUGGGGG Thankfully we only have to deal with this until the end of March, then the courts will be able to step in and suspend her rights. We had to give her a "fair amount of time" to get her act together. And obviously she has no intentions of doing that. So I just have to hold on a little longer. If I can! Why do some people even have kids when they can't take responsibility? Sorry to whine.....just so frustrated. Thanks again!
KIM

[mrspesto]

Firstly, your sister is soooo lucky to have you. My heart goes out to those kids. I don't have any suggestions with any merit to them, just some thoughts/questions....
~Are the kids in preschool? (where I am 2.9 is the starting age) If not, maybe they could go to a Head Start program or one offered by your town (if there is one) They'd likely go for free, and you could get a break....if they're not in already.
~Is there some process you could go through to become Foster Parents just for your niece/nephew? Then you'd have access to alot more assistance. I've heard of this before in the same situation (Aunt raising little kids) and that woman got the financial assistance like any other Foster Parent.
~I'm sure you've already thought/done this, but have you tried a behavior chart with the kids. Listing what is okay and not, and letting them earn points for good behavior? Its worked well for me in the past. I haven't used it in a while....but I've just taken them out again because my kids need a little maintenance
anyway, don't know if this a good advice or not, but I think what you are doing is amazing. My own single, never married, no kids, no mortgage 40 yo sisters live less than an hour away and could care less about my kids. (although they'd never admit it)

[mrspesto]

just read your post Jericho. You are also amazing. Thank goodness these kids have some stable, loving adults in their lives.

[Shea]

Wow. I don't really have any advice, but I can say that I respect the heck out of you for taking care of these children. It's a great big sacrifice that you and your dh are making, and one that you won't see come full circle for years. Are there any kind of support groups you could get involved with? It might ease the difficulty sometimes to be able to talk to other families who are in or have been in your situation. They may not be able to change your circumstances, but sometimes it's just refreshing to have a supportive ear. I wish you the best.

[Shea]

~Is there some process you could go through to become Foster Parents just for your niece/nephew? Then you'd have access to alot more assistance. I've heard of this before in the same situation (Aunt raising little kids) and that woman got the financial assistance like any other Foster Parent.

Oh yeah. That's a good point. My best friend is in this situation with her 17-year old cousin. He was in foster care for years. She went to court to get "Permanent Kin Placement" (?something like that) Anyway, she was getting NOOOOOOOO assistance at all. But she and her husband finally got all of their stuff complete to do foster care, so now they are officially foster parents and are getting state assistance. Have you checked to see if this is an option?