Just need to Vent-Long

[rosie posie]

Ok so here goes: my DH has a 16 daughter and her mother just committed SUICIDE! This woman has always had mental issues and has tried it several times but I honestly didn't think she'd really do it. Even though we have never gotten along I still am in shock and feel guilty b/c at times I've wished she would do it. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth, this woman gave us nothing but grief and has done everything in her power to turn their daughter against us. So she lived in Vermont and us in Utah, we flew out there the next day only to have basically everyone be against us in taking his daughter home. We actually had to ask the court for custody! They eventually gave us full custody, but in the long run I guess it doesn't matter since his daughter RAN AWAY!!! I'm heart broken and worried sick. Unfortunatley for a long time now his daughter has been hanging with the wrong crowd and no one feels guilty/bad for hiding her out. We delayed our return home for as long as posssible but no luck we can't find her. And to top all of that off she tells us she MIGHT be pregnant. She has no clothes, no $$, nothing and even though I'm pretty sure her friends will help her out it's just not the same. I've tried emailing all her friends off Myspace, calling the cops daily and it's the same old thing: no one has seen her! I mean how is that possible it's a very small town. It's just awful being way out here; it's not like we can be there banging on doors and looking for her. Just sitting here waiting and wondering is really getting to me. What else can I do?

Guess that's it. Thanks for listening.
amanda

[WorkinMyQs]

Wow. I'm sorry you're dealing with such a tough situation right now!

Does she have other family in town that maybe could help her out if she wants to stay in that area? She's going through some awfully tough times right now too, and I know that's hard to keep in mind. She just lost her mother who was troubled while alive and heaven knows what she's all been through as a result of that. She also is being torn away from everyone and everything she knows with no input in that decision. A very hard position for a 16 yr old to be placed in. I'd talk with family in that area if she's got them and if need be, see if she can stay with them for awhile until she has some time to adjust. It's great that you and your DH want to bring her back with you, but sometimes (and I think this might be one of them) it's better to take a step back.

Hope it all works out!

[SturmFamily]

Im sorry to hear about these problems. I will send up some happy thoughts and prayers for you

[rosie posie]

Believe me we talked to all the family and everyone said "get her out of here". They all believed that was one of her mothers problems, she stayed in the same crappy neighborhood hanging with bad people and never got away from all the bad stuff. We really thought long and hard about letting her stay but in the end we decided that she really needs to get away. Every single friend of hers is either a drug dealer or a major criminal; she's not in school, might be PG and with no family to guide her we felt this was for the best. If she's PG the "father" has already told her he doesn't want anything to do with her! Her mother was creamated and we would make sure she'd be there to spread the ashes come summer, but other than that there's not much left for her in VT. Now if she would have been the "good kid": in school, not doing drugs, responsible with responsible adult to watch after her we would def leave her there, but it's not that way so what can we do?

[WorkinMyQs]

I can't imagine how frustrating and upsetting this has to be for you. Have you heard anything back yet from the police? If the family there in VT is saying get her out of the area you have to trust they know what they're talking about. Sad thing is - she will probably run again if you bring her back to UT. Have you checked into any type of troubled teen program to get advice?

[MidWestDena]

My advice is to stay on top of the cops. The court gave you custody so they made you legally responsible for this girl & probably for any baby she might have too. If need be, see if you can find a cheap private detective to do the cops job for them. Just be prepared to deal with a very very troubled teen who is probably going to be giving you **** constantly if you do bring her home. Your going to have to really be firm with your rules and whatnot. You and DH are going to have to agree on a gameplan and stick with it in advance! Good luck. Keep us updated.

[UtahDAD]

Hang in therre rosie posie. You are in our prayers and you just be the one thing constant in her life, she will eventually come around. I cannot imagine what you are going through. But I can pray for you and for her. GOd bless!

[AnnVG2996]

Sending you a hug to get through the day.. week.. and months ahead.

(((((HUG)))) Keep us posted.

[COLORADO/MOM/3]

Big {{{{Hugs}}}} coming your way!! Your family has been through such a rough time, here's to hoping things get better, that she comes home and things go in a better direction :) Keep us updated.

[rosie posie]

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. There's been no word from her as of yet, and cops don't have anything either. The only thing I do know is that she's been online to her Myspace page since it tells you when they last logged in. But she hasn't called, wrote, or emailed us. I think that's the most frustrating thing, her not contacting us just to say hey I'm ok. It's a small area where she's at so just hoping sooner rather than later she's caught.

[nurscindi]

If she has a MySpace account, and you know she is checking in there. Could you leave her a message on it.

Keep it short and to the point, and non threatening. Perhaps tell her that you know she is going thru a lot, and needs this time to figure things out, but just let her know that you are worried about her, and need to know she is safe. Ask if she could just call or write, just to let you know she is ok. Don't make threats as that will drive her away faster. It's only a suggestion, but it sounds like she has some trust issues and your husband will need to work on regaining that trust. As much as you might want her to show her face and come home, I think starting with knowing she has a place to stay and food to eat is the priority first.

[COLORADO/MOM/3]

I agree leave her a comment, if you post it on her page, there's a possibility that someone who doesn't know she missing, but does know where she is might read it and might feel bad enough to contact you also. You would have to create an account yourself, but it would probably be worth the time.

[AnnVG2996]

I agree, it might be the best way to at least know she is safe and being taken care of for the time being.

[rosie posie]

Oh believe me I've left several emails, posted comments on her page, emailed lots of her friends and with no response from her. The replies from her friends are all the same, "sorry haven't seen her". Which we know isn't true, all of her friends are of the "bad" sort and they are all helping to hide her. The only thing we're hoping to get her is a random cop just happens to see her walking somewhere or they are looking into getting court order to get info from myspace that should tell where she's logging in at. So that is our best hope right now.

[couponsr4me]

Gosh, I hope she's safe and that she contacts you soon.

[sss4ard]

All I can say is that poor child. I can't imagine the emptiness she is feeling. I am sorry you are going through this.You and your family are in my prayers. I only hope she is safe and will soon need her dad. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can climb out of a mess. Being a teenager is tough enough but losing a mother and being pg at the same time is really tough. :( Please keep us posted.


Cat

[MidWestDena]

Her "bad sort" of friends may think it's all fun and games to hide her out right now; but what are they going to do with a baby? If at all possible, I would go back to this town and instead of dealing with a bunch of goofy teenagers who have no clue what life is like--I'd start dealing with some adults and if I had to, I'd start threatening some adults with some lawsuits or having charges pressed against them for keeping her from getting pre-natal care. These adults are legally responsible for what their teenage children are doing. Now I realize that from the sound of the crowd she runs with the adults are most likely idiots; but I doubt any of them want a lawsuit or charges on them. I'd probably go so far as to call the local CPS and ask them if they can get involved. Maybe some visits from children's services might start opening these parents eyes up a little bit to what they are actually doing.

I know that right now you are trying to play it cool and be nice; but there is going to come a time (soon if she's pregnant) where your not going to be able to play nice. Mostly likely your going to end up helping her out with a baby and there is certainly no reason these ignorant teenagers and their parents should be able to saddle you with a baby that has a medical condition or something that would have been preventable by pre-natal care--I mean after all, they are not going to be the ones footing the damn bill. It's completely irresponsible on their part.

I know some of what I said sounds mean and I don't mean it as anything against you at all; but if this girl is pregnant she definitely needs found soon and some care gotten for her.

[rosie posie]

Yes the problem with that crowd is that the adults are worse than the kids! The local CPS is already involved b/c in the past she was in foster care so her old social worker has been asking everyone he knows and keeping an eye out for her. We don't know for sure if she's pg or not. She said she took 1 test +, we bought more and she says it was - but didn't show us. She was to do it again next morning and show us but that's when she took off. These people are all idiots and irresponsible she hangs with, most are drug dealers and worthless. Most know that they can get charged with hiding a runaway but as of yet that hasn't scared anyone. Yes we do hope that soon she "hits bottom" and needs us and comes home, but until then we just sit and worry.

[MidWestDena]

I know it might be expensive; but maybe you could find a private detective from this town or one around it who wouldn't charge to much. I know these people aren't scared now; but if you can find someone who can sit on these people and get some proof--you could go file charges on their ignorant behinds. Call her caseworker again and instead of him just asking, maybe he could start investigating these people (like actively opening a case against each particular family)--especially if they are drug dealers. Maybe the threat of losing their own kids might turn their minds the other direction. I know that would be a mean and nasty thing to do to the other kids and parents--but oh well. LOL I know it's hard to do anything long distance. Have you tried the local newspaper? Maybe you could call them and get an article put out saying that some local townspeople are hiding her and that if she's prevented from getting pre-natal care (if she's pregnant) that your planning on filing some lawsuits for the care of the baby if something is wrong with he/she when it's born? Maybe if everyone else in town is looking for her also--that might put a little heat on the situation.

Sorry, just trying to throw out some ideas that might be worth trying. A local lawyer might be helpful too. I know here in Ohio, you hardly have to have anything on someone to go file charges on them--the charges might get dropped later, but they can be filed--contributing to the delinquency of a minor and active prevention of suitable medical care for a minor child might be good ones. Maybe a nice subpeona in the mail might change some of their minds--especially if they are doing anything illegal. LOL